There was a time not too long ago that I went through this phase were I was extremely preoccupied with sex. I wanted to be good at it, great actually, no no no, I wanting to be the F’ing bom dot com at it! I bought all these books on karma sutra, practiced tigthening my nother regions with the infamous “jade egg”.
I wanted to make my sugar box feel like it had its own shiatsu hand inside my candy land so that I could keep a man happy…Hmm, I lying here. I really wanted to make a man just a tad bit short of full on “bat ish” crazy over my goodie cavern! 🙂
Well that never happened.
Well I never stuck with it long enough to get shiatsu muscle control. But the theory was impressive to know, hehe. After a while, I started asking myself why I stopped the training. What made me my motivation go straight to the outhouse? I had conflicts within me.. Yup! I wanted to be significant, I wanted to be special.. I wanted to be loved is all…
I think I began resenting all the things I thought I “had” to know in order to become “special”. Could keeping a man in love with me take all this? I don’t want to put jizz on my face to keep my face smooth, can’t I just use a good apricot scrub and a steamer for the same effect?! Sigh…
It seemed like the more stuff I learned, the more turned off I became with sex, with myself too.
What I wanted, what I really wanted was a connection: a heart thumping emotion filled kiss from someone I loved that you hadn’t seen in months. You know that feeling? That feeling can’t be “practiced” or “rehearsed”, you just surrender to your emotions and you let it lead your touch, your kiss, your thrust. It becomes a joy when you are compelled from within you. That’s how I feel about my work. I don’t “find” inspiration, Its all around me. It’s in a conversation, or a movie I saw, or watching my daughter play, or eating a good meal…
Or great sex, wink!
So when I hear other artists say: “I’m waiting for inspiration to paint.” Or “I’m just not inspired to paint.” Only amateurs say that, only disconnected people say that.. How can you be alive this long and not have a million stories to tell on that blank canvas. You are “trying” to make love instead of opening up your heart to release the love within you. The inspiration is in every memory you have, every pleasurable moment, and the unpleasant ones too. All you have to do is stop trying to love, stop looking for love and allow all the sugary goodness to ooz from your pores and drip down your arm into your brush and paint that!!! 🙂 The best lover! HA! Show me baby!
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