Your Only As Sick As Your Secrets

african art by Salkis Re

 

I love my paid hoes and poor sluts…

I have a few unmentionables. Things that have caused me shame in my life. Things that a few people know and maybe more than I think know because you just never know if your secrets are held sacred after you utter them. I wish I could go back in time, I wish it so badly. But I can’t. The ‘damage’ is done and I have to live on. But this thing called shame is paralyzing. Its like you walk one egg shells hoping you won’t be found out, like living while looking over your shoulder everyday. I can’t do that anymore. I won’t. There is no power in pretense. There is no glory in being discreet if your deeds haunt you, if you can’t forgive yourself. I’m for women. ALL of us. I love my prayer warriors and my jump off’s, and my paid hoes and poor sluts. I have been them all, unwillingly perhaps, led by fear most probably, trying to survive mostly. 20150402_071924

The fat gene won a few times but…

I know what its like to feel the thrust of man’s third leg inside me that didn’t care about me. I know what its like to “pretend” not to care while I let him do it too! I know what its like to latch on to someone because I thought this was the last train for me, that this was the best I’d ever get. I know what its like to pretend not to want anything so I’d be free feeling what I thought was inevitable disappointment. I know what its like to have a baby to keep the peace and get rid of one to keep “my peace”. I have been homeless. I have slept in my car. I know what a grocery store run feels like when you only have 5 dollars in your pocket for peanut butter and bread, but I also know what its like to give my savings away to my man’s next big business venture only to have nothing but a garage full of  novelty trash that wouldn’t sell. I fought the fat gene, won a few times, lost a few and Im winning right now and have a deeper understanding to stay here too.

Dear God, it’s me Salkis!

I spent a lot of time trying figure out what I wanted to do, what I wanted to be good at.. But that voice in my head was always nagging at me, telling me this ain’t gonna work or that ain’t gonna work. I even thought that being dark skin was a curse. I think I was 11 or 12 years old when I’d have frequent ‘talks’ with God about my complexion and I’d make deals with him I’d pass all my math tests and stop stealing the Fig Newtons out the cookie jar if he just would make me lighter skinned. Every morning, I ran to the mirror believing something changed, but there I was, just the same as the night before.

African American Artist
Daddy, Mommy and Me

I’d say: “You don’t love me God, if you did, you’d answer my prayers….”

Sex and donuts…

This is why I speak of self esteem and self awareness so much. I can see in the eyes of many women, the anguish, the confusion, the fear and dissatisfaction within their existence. I know it well. Even the psychics and the oracles can’t hide that look from me.  I know what they are feeling too. Bravado means nothing. The “I can do what I want to do” doesn’t mean a hill of beans. Its like one rice grain to a hungry belly. Only the strong will survive? No. Not true. Only the people who make the right decisions at the right time survive, only those who exercise purposeful discipline will survive. Much of our bumps in the road is do to lack of discipline, laziness, gluttony, focus. These things make one sick, broke, unhealthy etc.. Good sex is pleasurable, and I don’t know about you but glazed donut makes me hum my favorite tune. But are they good for us just because they bring us pleasure? That is what we have to reason out with the decisions we make.

So I decided that my goal, what I wanted to center myself around was love, self love in particular, but all aspects of it because it shapes and influences every part of our lives. I want love to be simple. I want the me that I was before I thought I needing fixing, the me that I was before the need to repair.. Before I was 11 years old I suppose….

If you’re like me, then you’d appreciate the Art walk back in time. Introspection is healing Click Here

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